Chimps, they're our closest relatives and one's been president of the free world for the last 8 years, like Planet Of The Apes was a documentary or something. And now here's one riding a segway, and even though he could do with some practice, it can ride it better than Bush could, but that's no real surprise is it.

Watching that little chimp motor his way about got me thinking; they should race these chimps on those segways, like a simian version of Wacky Races, they could supe them up, pimp them out, whatever. Surely that's an entire semester's worth of Japanese game shows right there, and then some, knowing those Japanese. They could bring in some other primates, like gorillas, that'd be interesting, could have the Great Ape Segway Olympics with humans, chimps, gorillas and orangutans all fighting it out to be crowned the greatest of the great apes.

Somebody get Fox News on the phone, I've got an idea for them, they could run it as cutting edge investigative journalism...!

We all think cats are cute balls of fluffy fun, but there's also something sinister about them. Sometimes you occasionally glance over at them, and you catch them glaring at you, it's not the look an affectionate pet gives their master, but a steely cold look of merciless hatred and repugnance. The look a murdered child's mother gives the killer when he gets off with manslaughter - there's something untoward in that glance, something unsettling. Like the cat is exacting revenge right there in its little fur-lined skull.

Call me paranoid, call me deluded, call me irresponsible, heck you can even call me unreliable but I'm onto something here, I've been onto it for some time, all I needed was the slightest hint of validation and I've found it.

Now we've established that cats are the spawn of the unholy armies of Lucifer and are all out to massacre our families while we sleep, you need to know the tell tail (!) signs, and just what are those? Is it a destruction of feral alley cats staking out your house, maliciously tapping baseball bats on their paws - the bats themselves strewn with matted human hair, congealed blood and skull fragments? Is it a pride of lions constantly cruising by your house in a pimped-up Chevrolet Camaro, shooting you the evil eye, then pointing at you and making a slicing motion across their throats?

No, that would just be too easy; they're far more mundane, far more ordinary, so check out this list and be afraid. Get your cat, before it gets you...